A furniture store, I’ve discovered, can be a conversational epiphany. The husband and I were browsing this week while killing time between appointments. We decided to price out mattresses, since we’re both sick of sleeping on The Pad of Pain. As we wandered through the store and spoke to various salespeople, I discovered that there is a language barrier between furniture sales folk and real people. And so for you, dear readers, because I care…I’ll decipher the code:
#1: What the mattress department calls “body impression memory” and “snug cushioned comfort” I call “4- aspirin morning sag.”
#2: What the high-end, fussy wood furniture folk call “intricate detailing” and “exquisite design” I call “Who in their right mind has time to dust all those nooks and crannies with Q-tips?”
#3: When the overstuffed suede leather couch salesman says “Scotchgarded and highly stain resistant,” that means “Dump a glass of water and you might be ok, but Kool-aid and dog vomit are forever.”
#4: Glass table tops and all things stainless steel evoke terms like “clean, functional beauty.” In Realspeak, this means “scratched, gouged and/or dented fingerprint magnet.”
#5: “Love seat” equates to “Uncomfortably close for casual conversation” and “too damn short to take a nap on.”
#6: Words like “Unique,” “One of a kind” and “Local Artisan” actually mean “Extra zero on the price tag. Possibly two of them.”
#7: When a salesperson shows you a couch with a hidden storage area and says it’s “perfect for storing a comfy throw, newspaper and remote control,” you can bet money he’s speaking in kid-code to the tot holding your hand: “Perfect for hiding a sippy cup of milk and a half eaten PB&J for a month and a half.”
#8: “You can’t put a price on this kind of quality” is Salesspeak for “You’d better lie down on that mattress before I read off the grand total.”
#9: When spoken by a furniture salesperson, “Would you care for a cup of coffee?” translates to “Go ahead–spill it. Preferably on this $8,000 leather couch.” Even if you nix the coffee, beware of salesman #2 creeping up from behind to scare the bejeezus out of you. As a general rule, if you pee on it you’ve bought it.
#10: (And this is the biggie, so listen up.) When you’ve made your selection and extended your Visa with one trembling hand, the salesperson will smile warmly and say something like, “May I have your license as well? Just for verification purposes, you understand.” MAY-DAY. This statement is not what it seems! ‘Verification purposes’ really means, “I’m giving this to the super ninja computer geeks in the back room. They’ll run your credit from here till doomsday, Loser, because clearly you can’t afford to buy this thing. We need to make sure if you die before this Queen mattress is paid for, your life insurance will cover the cost…with interest.
And there you have it–Salesspeak vs. Realspeak. The next time you’re headed to a furniture store, you can go in armed for bear. Don’t let the big smiles fool you…those furniture sales folk are really hard core.
Today's Musings 