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For those of you not fortunate enough to have followed last year’s contest, a small word of explanation:

My family is weird. Just…odd. The immediate family, the extended family, on both sides and all branches of the family tree.  Last year, in honor of Jesus’s birth, we decided to amass the ugliest Christmas sweaters the world has ever seen. (Don’t ask. I don’t know either.) With no rhyme nor reason, we showed up in all of our finery:

2008 Entries

This year, we refined the rules into two categories. Embellished and Fugly Off the Rack. Because really, there’s homemade ugly and there’s why-in-the-name-of-all-that’s-holy-would-someone-manufacture-that? ugly. And this is where our categories separate.

Honestly, I don’t have all the photos in yet. (You know who you are!) But I’ll post what I have and add to the mix as they trail in.

———First up we have Fugly Off the Rack:—————-

Marvelous Marva (or “Mommy” to some of us) is modeling an untouched, Some-Kind-of-Blunderful frock that surely makes me want to weep. Shiny presents stick to her bosom and in case she ever wants to, oh, I don’t know…tie Santa up…?…she has ROPE stuck on there, too. Nicely played, Mumsay, nicely played.

MARVA: "Seasons Beatings! For the S&M crowd we have this black little number complete with festive restraints!"

 Next, we have yours truly modeling a hot little number SO ugly, even a crappy picture does it justice. I found this little beauty in a secondhand store and have the resale tag still attached to prove it. HOW, I ask you, could someone have let this little baby go?

KELLY: "As a Christmas gift, can you ever really go wrong with flowers and a big red bow? Yes, evidently you can."

Here we have Marvelous Marva’s hubby Tim in a fashionable frock with Old Saint Nick himself adorning the front! I’m not sure this qualifies as ugly, it was a gorgeous blue that matched his eyes. Then again, it DID have a stocking stuck to the arm that not just anyone can pull off. Hmmm…you be the judge!
And finally, we have the Doublemint Twins. Steve and Marci, aren’t they cute? These newlyweds arrived in equally icky sweaters celebrating the holiday season. BONUS points to Marci for wearing ugly Christmas socks to match! (My apologies for the lousy photographs. One of these years I’ll invest in a nicer camera. ) 🙂

Are they cute, or are they cute?

————————-Embellished————————— 

In our next category, we have  sweaters for the artsy-craftsy folks who just can’t leave Ugly Enough alone. You have to admire their dedication and wonder just where these little gems will wind up when the season is over. Somewhere, there’s an old folks home about to get FANCY.

These three lovely ladies are a Mother-Daughter-Sister combination. I’d tell you exactly who’s related to who, but what fun would that be? And besides, I get so confused.

I’m loving the general state of fugliness those sweaters entail, but bonus bravo points for the head wear. Seriously.

Oh. All. Right. Mother and Daughter are on the ends. You're so nosy!

(L to R) DIN, MARSHA, HILLARY: "Lady Gaga, eat your heart out!"

To the left we have Din, sporting a festive pink number complete with a snappy head scarf that would make RuPaul proud. (You GO, girl!)

In the center, Marsha models her pom-pom Nutcracker army. (I will not take the cheap shot, I will not take…) It comes with a wreath trim which is just hideous enough to showcase below:

Why?  Just...Why?

MARSHA: "You KNOW you want one. Yes you do!"

Now who wouldn’t want that bad boy hanging in their closet? Not only can you wear it for Christmas, but it works for Marching Band, Veteran’s day, 4th of July, a gay pride march, you name it. So versatile!
Next, we have Hillary all by her lonesome wearing quite possibly the fugliest sweater I have ever seen. And I’m IN this contest! 
Miss America watch OUT!

HILLARY: "I FOUND Elmo squashed on the road. Honest!"

Bows with bells? check.
Hanging presents? check.
Snowflakes?
Christmas lights?
Run over Elmo, dried, skinned and turned into a boa? check, check and double check!
It’s too bad I’m not an official judge. I’d have to award her extra points for the sassy shoulder scarves…or is that a cape? If that’s a cape, I’m bowing out of this contest right now. Better to openly admit defeat than to be uglied right into oblivion!
As I said, these are the photos I have to date. As I get more, I’ll add them so check back! Feel free to vote in the comments section for the garment you find the most offensive. Remember, we have two categories, so vote for one of each. I never got a copy of the official rules, so I don’t care if you’re a contestant or not. Vote away!
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Yesterday, while I tried on shorts in the local small town store. (It seems GV is no longer overpriced for the dumb rich folk.) Right there in the dressing room, in front of God and ev…well, in front of God and the mirror, anyway–Gloria Vanderbilt lied and said I was a size 12.

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The Culprit

The heifer.

Since I’ve been a 16 for quite some time now, I think not. I’d like to pretend Gloria is just being kind, but I secretly suspect the old gal’s on crack. It can happen to the bored elite, you know.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been lied to by a fashionista, either. Liz Claiborne lives in HappyLand, where everyone is  petite.

I’m not kidding.

And so, dear friends, this missive comes to you with a warning. Don’t. Trust. Retailers. Because really, where will it end? Abercrombie sweatshirts with tags that say “You’re so smart to pay double what this sweatshirt is actually worth! Buy, sheep, BUY!”  ?  Designer jeans with “Damn your butt looks good!” printed on the inside?  ‘Tis Madness. MADNESS!

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Only my husband would wear this tee shirt to an elementary school Parent/Child fun night.

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Since my hubby bears a vague resemblance to Chuck Norris, I cringe just a little more than usual.

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Anybody else have a spouse with a cheeky sense of humor?

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Ayup, I’m back. Thanks to everyone for the prayers, hugs and well-wishes. You folks are the best. (((readers)))

On a more pleasant note, I bring you the Great Ugly Sweater Contest of 2008. Last Christmas, my sisters, Mom and I challenged one another to find the ugliest Christmas sweaters in all the land. We had a year to poke through after Christmas specials, sidewalk sales and secondhand shops in our quest. As you can see, we did indeed unearth the fugliest sweaters to be had.

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Down front we have sister Skinny Rat, who won second place with her fabulously fugly tinsel-bedecked, Elvis-inspired masterpiece. Extra credit for the nasty vest factor, but she loses a couple of points for decorating the turtleneck rather than just the sweater. Let’s look at that bad boy in slow motion, shall we?

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I like this sassy little addition, too, don’t you?

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Right on her heels and to the far right we have me wearing far too many Christmas cookie pounds and the nastiest ornamental sweater I could find. You can’t tell in the photo, but they sparkled.  The only thing that could have made it uglier would be if they actually lit up.

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Next to me we have Mom, with her pink (pink?) Christmas sweater complete with attached boob warmers scarf.

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Beside Mom you’ll note sister Mouse (mother of month and 1/2 old Mini-Mouse) sporting her fancy snowman vest. The picture doesn’t begin to do it justice, as all the snowmen had beadwork that didn’t match anything at all. Faces were on their chests, some had 3 eyes, mouthes on their hats–it was a real mess. Bonus points for the turtleneck that was ugly even back in ’74.

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And finally we have sister Paulie Precious, who actually won this contest with her purple Barney sweater adorned with WORKING Christmas lights in the button holes.

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Ugly enough, I dare say, to warrant yet another photo.

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Yes indeedy, sister Paulie won the contest. Girl knows how to work a room.

So tell me…got any fun Christmas traditions in YOUR family?

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Have you taken a stroll through the Junior girls department at any store lately?  They’ve taken my old maternity wardrobe, cut it down to fit a size 3 and put it outfor sale. Didn’t pay me a penny, either, the b&stards.  And the shocking part is the girls are actually BUYING it!

These were ugly when I was pregnant. They're still ugly now.

These were ugly when I was pregnant. Amazingly enough, they still are.

Pencil point leggings with hugely oversized shirts? Got ’em. Boob hugger peasant blouses with airy, tummy-hiding fronts? Check. Peter Pan collars–PETER PAN COLLARS, for criminy sakes! Oh yeah, got a rack of those too. And as if that doesn’t affront the senses enough…

They’re in 60’s psychedelic prints!  (My eyes! MY EYES!!)

What –I ask you– are the manufacturers smoking? These outfits scream “17 and knocked up!” and look like they’d blend with the ugly kitchen wallpaper Mom had in the 70’s. Why anyone would want to drag out my moldy maternity wardrobe to make a fashion statement is beyond me, but I really think they should pay me for it. Fashion icon that I am, you know.

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