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I’ve been inexcusably MIA. Not just here, either. I’ve been pretty much absent from the internet. Since I spend all day working on the computer, that’s really saying something! Working a lot of hours + a trip from MI to SD, and you have a tired little blogger. I’ll try to do mo’betta soon. In the meantime, Big Howdy to all my peeps!

The Thinker

The Thinker

 

 

I’m trying to think of a good post. Really, I am!

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On the carpet. Hunched over, looking green and ready to do that thing that dogs do. On the carpet. On. The. CARPET!

Survival Mode!

I sprinted to the front door in my jammies calling, “DexterDexterDEXTER..!” in a blind panic, tripping on a toy, stubbing my toe on a door frame and mowing over the cat along the way.

But we MADE IT.  All manner of awfulness occurred outside. Can I get an Amen?

illWhy do sick dogs aim for the carpet?

Why do dogs chew up their toys and gag on small pieces?

Why do bloggers disappear into oblivion for a month and then announce their return with stories of Dog Yutz?

I cannot explain these things. But. I’ve gotten a TON of work finished in the past few weeks, so now I get to play on my blogs again. Yaaaayyyy!

Missed ya.

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Way back in November when I turned the-age-that-shall-not-be-mentioned, (Just kidding. I’ll mention it. I’m 39.9), I requested to be teased mercilessly about my impending birthday for a shot at blog post fame. I have to say you folks came through, and Mom2three, blogless heifer that she is, made me laugh the hardest with:

Kelly is so old, she watched “Good Morning, America” when it was called “Good Morning, Neanderthals.”

Kelly is so old, her high school mascot was a locust.

I admit it. I peed a little. Thank goodness they were both hers or I would have declared two winners.

Now, M23 requested a small roast, (foolish woman), and I’ve been lying in wait until I was sure she’d forgotten all about it. I do believe it’s time. And so today I bring you The Official Mini-Roast of Mom2three.

M23’s real name is Megan. It’s not MAY-gen like every normal baby book name, it’s MEE-gen. Now MEE-gen hangs her hat in the South, and as most of you know I’m from Michigan. Her pronunciation of her name has a whole different ring to my Northern ears. On the phone, MEE-gen sounds like MAY-gen to me.

“Ha! This is MAY-gen!”  “May-gen who?” “Not MAY-gen, MAY-GEN! Mom2thray! From on-lahn!” “Mom to who?” “Thray! It’s may!”I’m sorry, but we’re happy with our phone service.”  “I don’t wanna sale you anythang you big dope, it’s may, MAY-gen!” 

(Note that the insult was the only thing I understood. This may very well be what brought about the war between the North and South.)

MEEgan with an EE and I have been friends online for some time. How much time, I really cannot say. I’d ask her, but I’d never understand her response.

I’m just saying.

Why look…here is our lovely Mom2three now!

m23-sheperdess

Ok, so maybe that’s not her now, but wasn’t she cute in high school?

Back off gents, she’s married. She still looks good, too. At F-O-R-T-Y! (Did I just say that? Out loud? You didn’t hear it though, right? Don’t tell her I told you. She’s still got that beatin’ stick, I just know it.)

And honest, she doesn’t look the age-that-shall-never-be-named.

Really–she hasn’t aged a day.

See?

m23

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Luh ewe, heifer. dance-cow*runs like hell!*

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Before you read this post, you must (MUST, I say!) play the audio. To get the full effect of this post, you must be ready to ingest a dozen raw eggs and punch hanging meat. Or at least scramble an egg and chew bacon with your mouth open.

Are you ready?

Whilst absent from the blogging universe for the last several days, I have SINGLE HANDEDLY finished the bulk of a huge work project that was hanging over my head like a guillotine, caught up on laundry right down to the critter bedding AND had a brand spanking new baby niece. (Not that I had anything to do with the birth, mind you, but I’m feeling so good at the moment, I think I’ll take credit anyway. Thank you veddy much!)

Since I have no theme for this blog post save sheer relief, I bring you some smiles from home:

…As I pulled up the Rocky clip on YouTube, my 13 year old put her hands on her hips and said, “Yes. THAT’S the sound you hear when I walk into a room!” Crying shame that kid has no self-esteem.

…Our 9 year old answered a Math question in class today. Her teacher asked her to explain how she’d come to that conclusion. Em’s answer? “It’s just common sense, Mrs. A.” I love that girl!

…And how have YOU been?

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Found on BasicJokes.com: “I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.”  -Author Unknown

Everywhere I look, people are skeert. I see somber folks with worry lines on their faces and a nervousness that wasn’t there before. They’re worried about jobs, money, medical bills. They have fears about what the future holds and are unnerved by the uncertainty of it all.

That’s no way to be. The battle’s already been won.

Prayer is our most powerful weapon, and I say we use it. Don’t know who to vote for? Pray on it. Don’t know how you’ll make the house payment? Pray about it. Got health problems? You know the drill. The thing is, you can’t demand what you want and expect it to arrive wrapped in silver paper topped with a big red bow. Maybe the thing that you want isn’t what God has in mind for you. Ask, and expect answers. But understand that the answer might not be as you imagined.

Pray for your family, your country and yourself. Pray for strangers and folks you don’t even like. And if you need prayers, ask others to pray for you, too. You can even do it right here, in the Comments section. If your request is too personal to share with a bunch of strangers, just leave an ‘Unspoken’ prayer request. Folks can still pray on your behalf–God knows what’s what.

Don’t be shy; I intend to ask for some prayers m’self. ;0)

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Now then–for the folks whose teeth I just set on edge: If you don’t believe in God as I do, that’s your prerogative. Refrain from trying to convert me, please–use your own blog for your views. But I will ask you to entertain one last thought before you go.

If you’re right, prayer won’t hurt anything–it’ll make no difference. But if I’m right, it can make all the difference in the world. Is there something you really, really need?

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No, not a Dom DeLuise-looking James Coco who says, “I’m not a Frenchie…I’m a Belgie!” (And double bonus brownie points if you can tell me what movie that’s from…) 

Nope, this Frenchie would be Laura from Mama’s Nut House. Heifer’s been on me about not posting often enough. lol! Thank you Frenchie, sometimes I need a good cattle prodding, so this blog’s juuuust for you!

Top 5 Things I Have Learned From Animals Not exactly a catchy title, but I’m under pressure. Get off me.

5. Chickens are diabolical. In all of bird-dom, each and every species instinctively knows to keep the nest clean. Chickens crap in their nests. In great gobs. You might think they’re simply that stupid, but you’d be wrong. No, this is their unspoken protest against The Man. (The Wo-Man in this case.) You want to filch our eggs, you baby-stealer? Well you go right ahead, but you’ll have to WADE THOUGH SHIT to do it! Go ahead! Brush your fingers against a steaming pile, you baby-eating Monster!

4.  A cat is the only creature that can convince you to pet it while holding you in complete contempt. Cats don’t like people. Cats don’t even like other cats. But they’ll sucker you into petting them just the same. Thaaaat’s right. Under the chin, human. Under the chin. And don’t you forget my Friskies treats, either or I’ll claw your shower curtain into confetti.

3.  Frogs are afraid of heights. Pick one up, it’ll pee on your hand. Guaranteed.

2.  Snakes could teach David Blaine a thing or two. Geraldine was 4 foot long and as big around as a 50 cent piece. She disappeared from a hole roughly the diameter of a pencil. I was horrified to have lost Dh’s pet, but impressed by her contortions nonetheless.

1.  Fish have personalities. Don’t believe me? Get a big one. When you can see their faces up-close and personal, you can tell. We raised oscars that loved to be petted. Had one that would jump out of the water for food like Shamu. Currently, we have a Pacu who smiles when you feed him. Think about that  the next time you chew on a lemon-soaked fillet.

Double Bonus Brownie Points. Could be yours! WITHOUT The Google, in what movie did James Coco make the claim, “I’m not a Frenchie, I’m a Belgie!”  <Cue Jeopardy theme music>

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Ugly gifs need love, too.

I’d like to thank all of you blog readers for helping out with our Name the Winged Rat contest! The entries were awesome (and way too funny, might I add!)

It was too hard for me to narrow down just 3 for my kids to choose from, so frankly I hung it up and let them choose from all the entries. (In light of the winnah, this is a good thing.)

Yeah, I changed the rules. So sue me.

Anyhow, the kids had a glorious time choosing, and though they wavered between a few funny names, they finally came to an agreement. Hallelujah!

And the winnah is…

Are you still reading?

Bet you’d like me to tell you, huh.

I’ve known the winner for HOURS, too!

Oh allll riiiiiight. The winner and residing champion is Dusty, with her entry Count Batula!  WoooWooo!

To see more of Dusty’s fine work, visit her blogs From My Front Porch and Giftedly Outspoken. Do it! Do it, I say! I promise you’ll get a good read.

Dusty, congratulations on your winning entry. The Count and I both thank you for your selfless dedication to the naming of the wild Munchinsectus Suckbloodus species. Look for your blogroll bump and an upcoming schmooze blog entry just for you! In addition, (oh the excitement builds!), don’t forget your $1.99 Michigan Mosquito Magnet will be on its way! Your refrigerator need never go nekkid again!

Side Note: Some of you know that Dus and I have been online friends for a long time. I’m glad my kids chose the winner, because the contest was definately NOT rigged! In fact, the kids struggled with narrowing down their favorites, and spent time agonizing between the winning Count Batula, Shadow and Beauregard, the Emperor of Doom.

Thank you all for the excellent entries!

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